Oh lawdy, now I’m writing about worms.

Recommended wine for today’s entry: The 2009 Ben Marco Malbec. The Wall Street Journal’s Oenofile column recently discussed the tendency for people to order the second-cheapest wine on a wine list. According to them, this isn’t always the way to find a bargain as the least expensive wines are often marked up the most. From Argentina, the Ben Marco is described as a “big, plush, almost purple wine with notes of dark plum and tobacco.” They said it runs about $20 a bottle retail.

My husband called and I told him that I was busy writing a blog about earthworms. Within ten minutes he e-mailed me a link to a posting for a job he thought I should look into.

This is how I got worms on my mind (not to be confused with IN my mind):

I record for the blind and reading impaired. Usually I record a local collegiate sports magazine, which I enjoy, but after basketball season they only publish once a month. Last Thursday, after a full week of torrential and non-stop rain, I looked forward to taking refuge in my little sound proof booth that lacks windows. I could pretend it was pretty outside. I was set to record the appendix of a book for preschool teachers, filled with flashback-inducing songs and games like Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar. Noooooooo. I had finally, after 15 years, banished freakin’ Barney memories to the deepest recesses of my mind and NOW look what you’ve done!

Anyway, one of the songs was this one:

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
I think I’ll go eat worms!
Big fat juicy ones,
Eensie weensy squeensy ones,
See how they wiggle and squirm!

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm!
Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm!

I bite off the heads, and suck out the juice,
And throw the skins away!
Nobody knows how fat I grow,
On worms three times a day!

Well, I don’t know about YOU, but besides being totally inappropriate for a three-year-old, this is just plain DISGUSTING. It wasn’t enough to describe their slimy little bodies slithering down one’s throat or “juice” inside them that is actually their bowels and other such appealing parts. No, this children’s song actually includes a verse about vomit.

I’m thinking that Romper Room would not have sanctioned this song.

And now I can’t stop thinking about worms. Because I am ONCE AGAIN stuck at my house waiting for the icemaker repairman, I took the opportunity to do a little research on worms.

Here is the picture on the Web site I found:

The fun fact just to the right of this said, “A worm has no arms, legs or eyes.” As a teaching tool, I think this is akin to offering a picture of the QE2 in the chapter on Columbus’ voyage.

Anyway, I have always been fascinated by the fact that worms, in the event you slice them in half, can regenerate the part of their body that has gone missing. I went to verify that fact and, sure enough, it’s true: “Earthworms have the ability to replace or replicate lost segments. This ability varies greatly depending on the species of worm you have, the amount of damage to the worm and where it is cut. It may be easy for a worm to replace a lost tail, but may be very difficult or impossible to replace a lost head if things are not just right.”

I wonder if things ever go awry and they end up with two butts. Or two heads like CatDog. Wormworm. But if they don’t have eyes or noses, I imagine their head and their butt look just alike anyway, so except for always fighting to be lineleader, they’d probably be OK.

A particularly interesting fact I never knew — worms are hermaphrodites. Yup, you got it — they have female parts and male parts. So never say, “Go f—  yourself!” to a worm, because you will undoubtedly see something you really didn’t mean to.

If I could talk to a worm, here are some things I would ask them:

• Why don’t you get off the black asphalt when the sun’s really hot before you crisp up into worm bacon? 
• When it rains, does the wildest worm in the backyard suddenly scream POOL PARTY!! and you all scooch scooch scooch through the torrential rain just to get to the bottom of my pool? Is it like the Jonestown of the worm world? Could y’all maybe stop with the pool parties, on account of all your decomposing carcasses are taking the allure out of our sparkling blue waters.
• So like when I used to go fishing and I accidently broke one of you all while putting it on the hook, did it like regenerate a new tail just in time to get eaten lock, stock and barrel by a fish?
• What happens if a worm is claustrophobic? I mean, I’ve looked into those bait pails and it appears you worms have absolutely NO regard for personal space.

In closing, I am going to offer you a list of things that worms like to eat and things that they do NOT like to eat. For example, don’t even THINK about going out into your flooded backyard and shredding up some glossy colored paper for them. They will run shrieking into your swimming pool.