funnierwithwine

A humorous look at the little things in life

The Iceman Doth Not Cometh April 12, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 12:30 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: San Pietro Alto Adige 2009 Pinot Grigio. This was an awesome Italian wine that my friends Quint and Tippi brought when they came to watch the Final Four. Luckily the wine was great because the outcome of the game was NOT great. You definitely want to give the San Pietro, which I found to be drier than many pinot grigios in a very pleasant way, a try. Winemaker’s notes: “San Pietro Pinot Grigio comes from vineyards in the Bassa Atesina hills of the Alto Adige, an area long known for their superb white wines and offering the ideal growing conditions for this particular varietal. This wine is fuller in colour than other wines of the Alto Adige, full but soft to the palate with a good acidic balance with a slight note of ripe fruit. The aroma is of tropical fruit and honey. Truly lovely wine!”

I think I may have mentioned … at length … that our icemaker was broken. That was 12 weeks ago and IT…IS…STILL…BROKEN. (I am taking deep breaths and counting to 10.)

Actually, it wasn’t always the icemaker. It started as a teeny-tiny, barely perceptible, leak in a hose in the back of the refrigerator. As you may recall, it took the very nice retired gentleman a total of six visits and $270 (because he only charged us for about a third of his efforts as they were undeniably futile in nature). And when he finished, voila! The leak had stopped.

…and the icemaker was broken. This time, we called in appliance EXPERTS. One shaky guy, two blowhards and a know-it-all later, we have a brand-spanking-new icemaker (warranty), two new filters, a new fuse and no ice. We also have another $308.87 missing from our checking account.

The know-it-all thought he had it fixed both times he visited. Once, he made it do a test cycle and, to prove to me that water had reached the ice mold, he stuck his fingers into the water that was to become my ice and melt into my water and go down my throat, extracted them and said, “look, water!”

Yay! When you’re done infesting all the ice cubes, can you please lick around the mouth of our milk carton?

Anyway, what I’m getting at, is … yesterday I waited for repairmen. Again. But because I’m a multi-tasker, I went ahead and scheduled ADT to come out for a small repair too. ADT was coming between noon and 5 p.m., and the appliance people (who had recently received an earful from my husband) were expected between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m.

I say expected because I am still waiting. They’re gonna call when they’re on their way. I will have to remember to bring my cell phone when they move me into a nursing home.

I hate hate hate hate hate to be stuck home. I don’t mind staying home if no one tells me I have to, but if I have to, I hate hate hate (you get it) it. Oh, and the TVs are broken because here on Green Acres we got us one of dem satellite dishes and it wasn’t scoopin’ up no signal or nuthin’. So the house was really super creepily quiet.

Except when it thundered somewhere far, far away like in China and set my neurotic dog racing through the house, window to window, barking loud enough for the Chinese thunder to hear him. That almost always happened when I got on the phone.

For example, the Medco pharmacy now has a tape that says this:

Thank you for calling the Medco pharmacy refill line. Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance. Please speak in a normal tone of voice and say your nine-digit prescription number.

ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF … ARF!!!

The number is also called an RX number and may be found on your …

ARF ARF ARF SHUT UPPPPP YOU STUPID MONGREL. F*#K THIS!!

click.

Anyway, as time wore on and I got more and more and more bored and I finished the ironing, which was the high point of my day … enough said … I got grumpier and grumpier and finally the psycho dog had pissed me off for the last time as I tried to talk one of my children out of having a collegiate-workload-induced panic attack. He was barking so loudly (and his equally stupid sister was chiming in) that the alarm system thought there was glass breaking and it kept going off. So I hung up with my daughter and commenced to screaming.

YOU FREAKING IDIOT, I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOUR BAD MANNERS. WHY DON’T YOU GO — I MEAN IT, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT — YOU HAVE THE WORST, THE ABSOLUTE WORST MANNERS OF ANYONE I HAVE EVER MET AND I AM NOT TAKING YOUR BULL S*@T FOR ONE…MORE…MINUTE. NOW, GET AW–

My cell phone rang, so I held a finger in the dog’s startled face. That was to let him know that I was NOT finished with him.

Hello?

Mrs. Rozzen? (Repair people are unable to pronounce 5-letter names correctly.)

Yes?

I’m with ADT. I think I’m at your house.

Oh, OK. Here, it’s raining, I’ll open the garage door — come in that way.

I’m in your garage.

So I opened the door and there he stood, about six feet and a 1″ thick door away from my tirade.

I quickly worked out a well-crafted ruse so that he wouldn’t know I was bitterly disappointed in a golden retriever, but perhaps he would think I had a juvenile delinquent child who had been sent up to his room.

UGH, I said. Kids!

Then I showed him where the security system was, and, to fill the awkward silence that I am sure only I noticed, I said…

It is sooooo quiet in this house. The TV is broken too and I have been stuck here alone all day.

Well, so far so good on the well-crafted ruse. The look on his face said I am either dealing with Sybil or Baby Jane and there is an artery pulsing in her temple.

So, after he determined that he was unable to fix the ADT problem, he took his leave (rather quickly I might add), and I resumed my vigil, still assuming that The Iceman Cometh.

He did not cometh, and he did not call. His boss, Crystal, did call me at 4:20, after prodding by my husband.

Mrs. Rozzen?

Yep. (I was trying to sound terse. No, I was terse.)

Has Chas called you yet?

No.

Well, he was supposed to be there by 2.

Seriously? Did you call to rub my nose in it?

I wish I knew where he was. His truck doesn’t have GPS and he doesn’t have a phone.

OK, lady, I was in sales in like 1987 and I had a pager attached to my waistband that always pulled my pants down because it was the size of a drive-in movie speaker, so my boss could find me. He doesn’t have a cell phone in 2011?

Well, he was on vacation last week.

Oh, OK, sorry, that clears that up at least.

I’m sure he’ll call soon. He’s only 20 hours late.

Today I’m waiting for the satellite TV repairman anyhow.

Advertisements
 

One Response to “The Iceman Doth Not Cometh”

  1. I CANNOT believe this! I swear I went through the EXACT same thing two years ago now know as my “Year of the Icemaker.” That’s what I spend most of my time and energy on, kicking the blamed thing which was better than kicking the parade of repair people that trooped through our kitchen. Then the year ended with Kitchenaid replacing it (can’t even begin to recall how that came about) and now I could cry because who wants another appliance that always breaks? Meanwhile, all of my smart friends bought wine fridges instead! I was even at a dinner party when everyone there was talking about their broken icemakers–no lie! I’m going to get online and find me a wine fridge to stick in that icemaker void!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s