funnierwithwine

A humorous look at the little things in life

No wonder celebrities have bodyguards. January 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 4:02 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: While I am ruminating on the power of celebrity, I have chosen a 2008 Francis Coppola Reserve Dry Creek Valley Syrah as today’s recommended sip. The winery’s Web site describes the wine thus:

  • Succulent flavors of sweet fruit are carried by smooth tannins and a long, silky finish.
  • Similar to classic Rhône wines, our Syrah is co-fermented with a small amount of Viognier to lift aromatics and help accentuate the wine’s bright magenta color.

They also noted that, “The 2008 vintage was ideal, delivering consistently warm weather during the extended season, which resulted in true physiological ripeness of the grapes and excellent balance. Loaded with rich flavors of black cherries, raspberries, and plums, the sweet fruit is accented with a smoky edge and alluring notes of cloves and anise.” Let’s give her a try!

When I put a much-pondered, insightful, introspective and sometimes controversial posting on Facebook, I might get four responses. One of them is usually a “WTF???” or “YOU’RE TOO OLD. GET OFF OF FACEBOOK!” At least it’s nice to have attentive children.

When celebrities put any type of mindless drivel on Facebook, they get … like 8,000 responses within 30 minutes.

No wonder I feel like a loser and stay in bed until noon.

OK, not really. But I do find it fascinating to read the comments. I might note that I am using, just for the sake of example, a recent Friday evening post by my not-so-secret crush, Ashton Kutcher. 

Yes, I know that it is pathetic for a 50-year-old, happily married housewife to be “friends” with Ashton, but being pathetic has never deterred me from doing something stupid.

Besides, stalking him electronically is much better than following the hot pizza delivery guy’s car, like someone I know does.

At least I have never — NEVER — commented on any of his posts. The responses paint a bleak picture of society — and not just American society; his followers include a largely international population. As exhibit A, I offer just a few of the stellar responses to his post, which included a picture of Ashton, long hair (that needs to go) and all, offering a toast. Underneath the title “Sat. night toast”  it reads, “Here’s to you, here’s to me, and if we ever disagree… Forget you, here’s to me.”

I’m assuming that his confusion about the day of the week may indicate that his toast to ME was not his first one of the night. But he’s ASHTON.

Not profound. Not insightful. Not even something that every middle school yearbook in the country doesn’t have enscribed in it at least twice. But it’s ASHTON.

And so all the lust-filled women who were home (presumedly alone) on Friday night, immediately began to lure him away from Demi with such impressive retorts as these (I have added a bit of commentary at the end of each):

Dear Ashton, If i was as cool as you i’d probably die of being so cool. cause you’re cool. you catch my drift? it’s cool. For starters, I do so enjoy a nice salutation on a Facebook comment. Then the scintillating verbiage just ices it.  And boy, howdy, do I catch your drift…and it’s WAAAAY cool.)

did u hear about the birds dying and fish dying, the end is near, your wife did a movie similiar to whats happening, my friend give your hearts to the Lord, i really believe that these starts the end times 🙂  (I don’t know about you, but when someone delivers the news that the world is ending, the addition of a smiley face at the end seems to buffer the blow.)

 Demi is one very lucky woman. You become more appealing and sexy as time gets you older. Cheers to you! (This would be OK if the author had a foreign-sounding name and the poor sentence could be attributed to a second language. But alas, not the case.)

It is only about ME! In the end no one ever understands but you. They can read your words wrong, body language wrong and anything else they want to find wrong. Live and love FREE! (Just a thought, but maybe someone should wait until they’re a little less high before hitting the keyboard.)

and finally…

Friday Here like if its friday where youu stay ! (Even if Ashton was a bit confused about the day of the week, at least his words made sense. The last time I “Friday Here’d” I think I turned up pregnant. It’s a dangerous proposition.)

Even more impressive than these folks, though, is the chick with a bordering-on-porn Facebook picture who hit “like” on every single comment made from 9:30 to about 10:30. Perhaps she was killing time until her shift at the strip joint started.

Or maybe she just thought they were all excellent comments.

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4 Responses to “No wonder celebrities have bodyguards.”

  1. laurenblier Says:

    You are hilarious! I am just starting out with blogging and I have already been inspired by your blog, it took a whole 30 seconds of previewing your site and I’m hooked 🙂 Thanks for the comedic relief, I appreciate your outlook on life’s daily details. Looking forward to reading more!

  2. Mary Ingmire Says:

    You’re friends with Ashton Kutcher and I’m friends with George Lindsey (Goober Pyle and a stint on Hee Haw). I have to up my celebrity stalking.

  3. ashleyolsonrosen Says:

    Oh how I used to LOVE Hee Haw! I remember having it on while I scalded my wimpy hair into a Farrah Fawcett(-like) mane with a hot curling iron, getting ready for dates in high school. Who would’ve EVER thought THAT scenerio would make for fond memories??? And who, pray tell, could NOT lust after Goober?
    Ashton is just a younger, exceedingly different, hot.

  4. ashleyolsonrosen Says:

    …and Lauren, thanks so much for reading! I checked out your new blog too and am excited to read future posts. I encourage my readers to visit it: laurenblier.wordpress.com — it’s called Dream It, Believe It, Live It — and it’s very inspirational! Good luck, Lauren!


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