A humorous look at the little things in life

Christmas vacation is over, so I closed the kitchen before I burned it down. January 5, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 3:05 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: Hogue Pinot Grigio. My friend Beth W. gave me a bottle of this and it is delicious! It’s from Washington state and is fairly dry, which I like. The label describes it as “snappy melon and stone-fruit flavor with hints of nuts, spice and honey.” I don’t mind saying that I like anyone and anything that uses the word “snappy.” I’m a big fan of that word. Oh, and they recommend it after a sunny day of sailing … close your eyes and pretend! 

One of my daughters has already headed back to college; the other will bail on me on Friday.

All of the other mommies out there know how I feel. Sad, despondent, lonely, …

…and just a little bit giddy.

Because I don’t have to go to the grocery again for like four months!

And do you know what happens when you don’t go to the grocery? The refrigerator is EMPTY — so you can clean it and it smells like Clorox Cleanup instead of the chipotle meatballs that have been seeking refuge there since Thanksgiving. Ahhh. Nirvana. To follow my logic train a little farther down the track…when there are no groceries and no cooking, there are no leftovers!

Right now, I have a repulsive array of past-their-prime nibbles in my refrigerator, some of which actually do date back to November. Before you assume that I’m the disgusting one in the group, I might point out that every time I try to throw away the hash brown casserole from Christmas morning, my older daughter says “NOOOOOO! I’m gonna finish that!” Well, if you want to save yourself the science project, shredded potatoes, when left refrigerated into infinity, appear to revert to their original state — which, I think, is a mixture of hair and water. 

I finally did throw away the remaining crumbles of the cookies from the neighborhood cookie swap. But then my daughter’s friend was leaving to go back to school, so I made him some oatmeal cookies. First mistake: it was late at night after the family got in from an evening out (read: two glasses of wine). I chose this particular recipe because he likes oatmeal, they are nutritious, I’ve tested the recipe before and it is gangbuster-type delicious, it only had five ingredients.

None of those ingredients was flour, which I thought was a GOOD thing, because I hate how I always have like a mini-seizure as I’m measuring flour and it puffs all over the kitchen like those dang weeds that explode their venom right up your nose when you pick ’em.

Except cookies without flour, I found the hard way, are like … fast-drying cement. At first it oozes everywhere, because it has nothing to hold its shape. Then it adheres to the cookie sheet like high school sweethearts on college drop-off day. OK, I did forget to grease the cookie sheet, but this was inordinately stuck.

Here is the picture I sent to my daughter’s friend, with the witty caption “Which one do you want?”


He didn’t respond.
Not one to admit defeat, I cleaned off the brand-spanking-new cookie sheet that was SUPPOSED to end all my traumatic baking experiences and had already disappointed me. Bitterly.
The chiseling and scraping and cussing made me need more wine.

Are you SUPPOSED to be able to see through a cookie?

Anyway, the second recipe (which included flour) came out great better. I will confess that I tucked some into my daughter’s tote bag to take back to school and after she left, the tote bag was gone and the cookies were on the dining room table. I don’t know what that means, but maybe they weren’t as improved as I thought.
 And while I’m thinking of it, I did have a successful baking experience last May, when I made a carrot cake for my husband to celebrate our anniversary. But then I didn’t have any of that colored edible Play Doh stuff that they use on Ace of Cakes, so I used the next best thing: two seven-year-old Pixie Stix. It didn’t come out too well.

This looks like something Jack Nicholson would make in The Shining.


The denoument, I must say, was when the cat licked 1/8 of the cream cheese frosting off before I presented the cake to my husband. He is, I reminded him as I bestowed it upon him, one lucky man.
Last night, my daughter said, “Hey mom, will you take a cooking class with me next summer?”
Now what do you suppose prompted THAT idea?
Anyway, Happy New Year! I’ve declared 2011 to be a bake-free year!

6 Responses to “Christmas vacation is over, so I closed the kitchen before I burned it down.”

  1. Susan Borders Says:

    Okay Ashley, first you make me feel much better about my freshman

    year of high school, with your Christmas tree dress, now I feel like

    Martha Stewart in the kitchen. Thanks Ashley, Susan

  2. Kim Keeley Says:

    PLEASE don’t take cooking lessons, because your adventures in the kitchen are just too entertaining. I have spent more hours cooking, than anything else these past few weeks. And elaborate dishes, I might add. I have a spoiled household, and have literally tried to think of ways to say, “I quit.” Last thing Jim said to me as he walked out the door this morning was, “what’s for dinner?” You are welcome to my leftovers, I have plenty! Tonight’s menu: baked brie for the appetizer, caesar salad, and crab legs. This will be an easy one…….

  3. ashleyolsonrosen Says:

    Susan – I’m glad I provide a boost to your self-esteem … it makes me feel good to know that, even though i am a laughingstock and eating Cheetos for meals, you are improving your self-worth! And Kim, NO WAY — you make an APPETIZER before dinner at HOME for just your FAMILY??? Wow! Tonight’s menu here: BW3. Last night’s menu: Burning Bush Grill takeout. Tomorrow night’s menu: Napa River. Now that I think about it, I might get one of those cool chalkboards to put on my counter to announce each day’s menus. I think Jeff would appreciate knowing what’s for dinner.
    And YES YES YES I’ll have your leftovers!!

  4. tippi mctyeire Says:

    Your cookie reminds me of a guy I went out with in college who put all the individual dough cookies directly on top of the wire rack, with no pan at all, and was totally mystified when he looked in there and one giant cookie was on the bottom of the stove. He thought it was magic. and we were all so hungry we scraped it off the bottom and ate it.

  5. Isn’t it wonderful to just need a mere basket (NOT a cart) at the grocery store and to have an empty fridge??? My last child flew the coop Saturday. Although after just cleaning out the refrigerator, I went and stocked it up again because of our southern snow.

  6. ashleyolsonrosen Says:

    Ah, Tippi, the culinary delights of college. I ate more pizzas (well, really globs of burnt cheese) off the bottom of our filthy oven than I care to recount. Beer is a great condiment.
    And reelingintheyears, I love your blog! I recommend it to my readers!

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