A humorous look at the little things in life

Shopping for the Ugliest Christmas Sweater leaves me unraveled November 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 8:55 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: Little Black Dress pinot noir. While we’re thinking of holiday fashion, what better sip than a tasteful, refined beverage aptly named after tasteful, refined party attire? The LBD pinot noir, according to their Web site, “…is an elegant and enticing choice when you’re in the mood for a light red wine. Cherry and clove aromas with light floral notes are inviting and easygoing, like a comfy gathering of friends. Its lingering strawberry jam and pomegranate finish is the hallmark of a sophisticated yet friendly wine with the etiquette to fit in anywhere.”

 College students all over America are attending classes, studying for finals, volunteering in the community surrounding their campus, writing eloquent thank you notes to their parents for the Thanksgiving hospitality, scouring discount stores and resale shops for ugly sweaters to wear to drunken fiestas where they mock all of us old wenches who wear their festivities proudly upon their breast.

I have to admit that I went through the holiday sweater phase — I still have one of the most egregious offenders. It has candy stuck all over it and reminds me of what I used to look like when I returned home after a stint volunteering at the middle school, except the stuff stuck all over me that day was made out of filler paper and adolescent saliva. I threw myself on the grenade and offered it to my daughter, trying to get out of visiting the local Goodwill in search of an appropriately hideous creation for her to wear, but I got rejected. Seriously — THIS isn’t ugly enough?

Ye Gods. I wore this like 20 times.


So today I got in my car and visited a Goodwill store. I know for a fact that I donated a lovely red one that was festooned with singing cats dressed as Santa Claus just last year, but someone must have already snatched that treasure up. There weren’t any good girl sweaters, so I decided to get my daughter’s friend Kees a little wrap-up for Christmas … there was a giant manlady sweater that was just his size! It is black with a white Fair Isle yoke around the neck and I know it will give him just the look he’s always trying to achieve. So I hoisted it up to the checkout table, which wasn’t easy because it’s a men’s 2XL and almost as long as I am tall.

I was worried about two things: 1) that I would see someone I knew while carrying an ugly, musty, giant sweater; and 2) that I would offend the nice people who worked at Goodwill.

Well, not to worry. Because when I walked up to the counter, the woman said, “OH MY GOSH! That sweater is totally you! I can see you in it — not many people can wear that color!”

Oh, lawdy. I came home and checked to see if I had grown while I was gone. And the color that I — in my uniqueness — can pull off? It’s black.

Once I recovered from the crushing blow to my body image, I visited a nice consignment store. I was browsing through some treasures like used risque negligees (ick ick ick ick ick ick) and a beige pair of men’s pants with a picture of a pair of boots on the thigh (they didn’t fit my husband or I would have splurged), and finally found two potential ugly sweaters for my daughter.

The owners were hovering as I tried to work my stupid new Blackberry that keeps trying to anticipate what I mean to do and sends inappropriate things to sensitive people. I managed to snap a couple pics of potential sweaters and send them to my daughter, which led to a ten minute deliberation of the merits of each. Just curious … which one would you choose?

The ginormous Christmas tree with pearls and fuzz
…or the dancing reindeer?
Anyway, while I was debating, the owner came over and said, “So are you shopping for an Ugly Christmas Sweater party?”
I don’t mind telling you that for once I was at a loss for words. I was somewhere between, “Yes, you burly and brusque shop owner, I am here to make a mockery of your business and your clients, and if I haven’t offended you enough, I’ll go home and post pictures of your merchandise on the World Wide Web!” and “No, ma’am, I am seriously just a really, REALLY tacky woman who enjoys nothing more than wearing dancing reindeer while I suck down warm Budweiser and set out my inflatable nativity scene.”
Anyway, I came clean and we became fast friends. Seems she likes to mock her clientele too.
Moral of the story: Hang onto your hideous clothes. Not just the holiday attire. Your children will be looking for things to wear to 70s, 80s and 90s parties when they get to college. I have a pair of jean overalls just begging to be pointed at. Short jean overalls.
I’d love to hear about YOUR ugliest!

4 Responses to “Shopping for the Ugliest Christmas Sweater leaves me unraveled”

  1. Kim Keeley Says:

    Ok, I had a Christmas sweatshirt made for my self, my daughter and Mother…..all matching! Thought these were the cutest things in the world! And we all wore them at the same time. What phase of life was I in? I have a friend who is very artistic, classy, etc., who made these, along with another friend who we went to HS with. ha I guess it was the look of the early 90’s and I still have them!

  2. Susan Pullen-Swope Says:

    I still can’t believe your candy sweater didn’t get the nod.

  3. ashleyolsonrosen Says:

    I TOTALLY agree that the candy sweater trumps all. The clear “candy wrappers” are exceedingly stiff and crispy, too, offering a treat for the ear as well because one crackles when one wears it. In fact, I remembered that one time at the Second Presbyterian preschool Christmas pageant, I looked down too quickly and a wrapper knicked me on the chin. Yes, it drew blood and yes, it looked like I’d cut myself shaving. My face.

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