funnierwithwine

A humorous look at the little things in life

What do you say when the repairman asks, “What’s that noise?” Well… August 30, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 7:17 pm
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Recommended wine for today’s entry: Try a Marques de Caceres Rioja! As you may know, I am preparing for a trip to Spain next May. No, I’m not packing yet. And no, I’m not learning Spanish. More important. I’m sampling lots of Spanish wines to choose my favorite varieties so it’s not a total crapshoot when I get over there. I have found riojas to be an early favorite and this one is excellent! It’s a dry white that pairs exceptionally well with appetizers, particularly a grilled shrimp or other light seafood. It was described by TheDrinkShop.com as “A rich, dry white wine from the heart of Rioja, Spain using viura grapes to produce one of the world’s best-selling white riojas.” It’s a good summer wine that isn’t overly fruity. Very affordable, too!

Someone in our house is a sex addict.

At least five times a day, I am distracted by the sounds of the little nymphomaniac searching for a victim, dragging it down the hall and having her way with it. I can be engrossed in something, actually trying to think … or, more likely, watching the Little League World Series … and suddenly I am rudely yanked from my reverie by the plaintive cry of a cat on the prowl.

Here is the face of a nymphocat:

What, you've never seen a 16-year-old promiscuous cat before?

She looks innocent enough, but she is not.

None of poor Tate’s babies is safe when she is on the prowl.  Tate is an 8-year-old male golden retriever mix with a passion for squeaky, fuzzy toys with friendly faces. (No, he is not a gender-confused dog, but his father makes ugly comments to him and hurts his feelings.) Tate is very special.                                                                    

Tate has two favorite babies. One is a pink pig whose snout was chewed off by our black Lab in a fit of jealousy. Because I am a very caring mother, I sewed the gaping hole shut and now he looks like a pink pig with a cleft palate. The other favorite is a pink bunny.

Shut up. Dogs are color blind, so the fact that his two favorite toys are pink is a pure coincidence.

Well, even if those two are buried deep at the bottom of the toy basket, when I hear Chrissy start the yowling of a horny cat on the prowl, I know that Tate’s poor babies will be discovered.

She usually starts the screaming if she knows that I am just on the verge of writing the next Great American Novel or if the girls have a new potential boyfriend visiting, or better yet, if my husband is on a conference call and using speakerphone. Then she ups the volume.

So after the gutteral cry, we hear her digging through the toy basket. Then she drags whichever victim she has chosen to a remote location, usually the hallway (in front of the window that faces the street)…and she has her way with it. Or at least something related – she has been spayed since she was 6 months old.

While she’s engaged in the act, the sound changes and I really wish I was technologically savvy enough to insert audio in this thing. She literally goes:

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO…OH NOOOOOOOOOO…OH NOOOOOOOOOOO…

That part is especially effective in the background of the conference call.

When she is finished, she drags the rape victim to “her apartment,” a box I got at Costco that she has moved to the dining room and in which she has taken up residence.

The victims get to enjoy some time in Chrissy’s apartment after being ravaged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I have thought about sending her to the place that Tiger Woods went to recover from his similar addiction. But she is 16, and that’s a ripe old age for a cat.

I’m afraid she’d be the laughingstock of the place … it’s just kind of icky, like listening to freaking Dr. Ruth talk graphically about sex when she should be playing bridge and wearing pearls to the dinner table at the nursing home.

So instead, I harbor this sicko and give her Fancy Feast and let her sleep in my bed. I know, I know, I’m an enabler.

But at least she didn’t mind when I used her box to move my daughter’s stuff to her college dorm. You should have seen said daughter’s face when I emptied her food products onto her desk and told her I had to take the box back because it was where the cat liked to go after having her way with stuffed animals.

And I wonder why her roommates took awhile to warm up to her…

Maybe I’ll dial my daughter up on Skype. Nothing cures homesickness like hearing the cat scream OH NOOOOOOOOOOO.

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4 Responses to “What do you say when the repairman asks, “What’s that noise?” Well…”

  1. Gina Says:

    I would like to hear her on Skype. Too funny.

  2. Deb Says:

    Sooo funny!!!!

  3. I’m still chewing on the part where you said you sewed something,
    even if its the snout of a stuffed pink pig, im impressed.

  4. ashleyolsonrosen Says:

    Good observation, Susan! I’ll send my kids to school with masking tape holding their cuffs up, but there’s NO WAY my “special” dog will have a snoutless pink pig!


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