Recommended wine for today’s entry: My friend Jody brought over a bottle of Bridlewood chardonnay last night and it got a thumbs up from Jody, me and even Beth, who is much more discerning than we are. It’s a definite recommend. It’s from the Central Coast of California and they describe it as, “This aromatic Chardonnay displays ripe aromas and pure flavors of nectarine and golden apples; time in the bottle will allow tropical flavors to develop.”
OK, if you REALLY want to hate mankind, I have a new TV show for you.
It’s called Busted & Disgusted and they warned that it might be disturbing. But I had a big brother that did really disgusting stuff through my whole childhood, so I thought, “Ahh, I can totally take this. How gross can it be?”
Wow. Pretty gross. They show actual films of people behaving quite poorly, taken with surveillance cameras.
For example: A guy with a stubby little black ponytail is obviously hitting on a woman in an office break room. She’s eating a salad and, as her body language makes clear, she’s very much not interested in him or his stubby ponytail. She leaves the room for a second and the sicko pulls nail clippers from his pocket and proceeds to clip all his nails into the woman’s salad, gives it a good toss, and then stands there shooting the shit with her while she eats his fingernails.
Now we could convince ourselves that fingernails might not be that gross — I mean, maybe the guy had just washed his hands — IF WE’RE IDIOTS. I mean, here’s a guy who pulled a premeditated salad sabotage. His hygiene is probably abysmal. He probably just scooped the cat litter with his hands.
Next up: Night cleaning lady at another office break room. Apparently not pleased with some of the people she cleans for. Starts to empty an ashtray into the trash can, obviously thinks better of it, then dumps half the ashes into the coffeemaker and half into a 2-liter bottle of Coke.
Then there are the cubicle mates who apparently disagree over the issue of smoking. Hot chick in really tight miniskirt gets up and leaves the cubicle; guy who sits next to her pops out of his chair, ambles to her work station, and one by one takes the cigs out of the pack and SHOVES THEM UP HIS NOSE, then returns them to the pack. Yeeessssshhhh.
Now I’m wishing I knew how to change the channel on the downstairs TV, but I have 14 minutes left on the treadmill and heaven forbid I don’t have something to distract me. I might have a coherent thought or something.
Night watchman, obviously been standing on his feet a lot, takes a load off, then puts his foot up on one of the luncheonettes and grinds away at it with a Ped Egg-type instrument. After grinding away at both feet with a vengence, he pads across the room to throw the foot skin away — NO, NOT THE COFFEEMAKER AGAIN! I actually watched to see if Starbucks was an advertiser on the show. They weren’t, but they should be.
Oh, and here’s one more for you to ponder: Two “chefs” preparing salad at a restaurant. One gets the funny idea to shove some lettuce up his nose, then he laughs and Bloop! Out comes the lettuce, right back into the salad. Hee hee, the disturbed derelict laughs. That is sooooo funny when you’re 6. Or 25 and an idiot.
Not one to be outdone, his equally charming buddy picks up a crisp piece of Romaine, BLOWS HIS NOSE INTO IT, and buries it back into the salad.
N-O-O-O … NOT THE SALAD! I’m a vegetarian … please!!
Now, if you’re a detective like me, you’ve noticed the common denominators and have come to the following conclusions:
1) Boys are gross.
2) Office break rooms are really gross … and coffee? Never again.
3) Salads are easy targets … I mean, how often have you pulled each little tidbit out of a salad and examined it? Well, you can bet that I will be doing just that from now on. I don’t care if it takes me two and a half hours to eat my dinner, there I’ll be. The good news is, I can suck down like three glasses of wine in two and a half hours.
4) There are a lot of bitter people out there. And they’re not afraid to retaliate.
My brother was — and still is — disgusting. I mean, he used to chew tobacco and spit the juice into a glass. Then he (OK, this part was me) would put ice in it and tell my little sister it was Coke. We’d also offer her some chips with it — but first we’d lick all the salt off of them.
Thank goodness my mom didn’t have a nanny cam. We could have been on Busted & Disgusted.