A humorous look at the little things in life

Amazing 13-function pen, FREE to first poet! November 4, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 3:59 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: Here is another of the Wall Street Journal’s recommendations for dinner party guests to consider toting to holiday festivities: a Prosecco wine from Italy. This is described as “a soft white wine that happens to sparkle … not as bubbly as a champagne … and it may be served in all-purpose glasses.” Good for serving with appetizers or with dinner. They recommend Proseccos from either Mionetto or Bartenura. They are in the $10-$20 range.

Ohmygosh, you are all going to be SO JEALOUS when you hear what I found.

We cleaned out the hell hole that is my younger daughter’s bedroom, and in doing so we found a treasured, sought-after and often coveted item.

It’s a 13-function-in-one pen and I won it as a door prize at a pet adoption center fundraiser. I believe it was used when I gleefully accepted it, which is gross for reasons you’ll soon understand. But a prize is a prize, and this one is a DOOZY!

Imagine! In just seven inches, you have an item that can do everything except clean the litter box. As advertised on the package, it can serve as:

  1. Writing pen
  2. Hole puncher
  3. Short cutting blade
  4. Wire sleeve remover
  5. Small nail remover
  6. Long cutting blade
  7. Phillips screwdriver
  8. SAW
  9. Stainless steel nail file
  10. Flat screwdriver
  11. Tweezer
  12. Stainless steel fork

and, last but CERTAINLY not least:

 13. Ear pick

Yes, this tiny instrument can not only be used to pick up the daintiest little nibbles for human consumption, but within minutes you can clean your ear with it! I am also sure that, even though ENT docs are adamantly against inserting a soft, cushy Q-Tip into the ear canal, this lance-like item that doubles as a hole punch is completely safe and sanctioned for use in shoving toward the brain in hopes of … what? Spearing ear wax? Excellent visual.

Also, I think an item that can be used to file your nails will, almost certainly, retain NONE of the finely ground filament that used to be one’s filthy and fungus-laden toenail, and thus will be clean and sanitary for subsequent use as a fork.

Whenever I pluck my eyebrows, right there close to my eyes, I am glad that the instrument I am using can also be used as a saw. That way, if an intruder enters my bedroom and thunks me on the back of the head with a 2-by-4, I will slump forward into my makeup mirror, spearing myself with my 13-function-in-one-pen. I will instantly perform a self-lobotomy and never know what hit me, thus saving myself the recurring nightmares that are sure to happen after a stranger attack.

But the best thing about this contraption is its ease of use. Here is an excerpt from the instructions:

“For use as Ear Pick/Tweezers/Fork:

Hold the pen with the pen point facing up. (I can do this.) Working on the top pen clip cylinder, unscrew and remove the top knurled metal tip together with the slotted head screw to expose the Ear Pick. (I am pretty sure I can do this — I think it is much the same method used to disarm a nuclear warhead.) At the same time, the pen clip/Tweezers will be freed. (Run free, mini-tweezers, run free!) To use Tweezers/Fork, simply turn the Tweezers/Fork upside down, remove the knurled metal tip from the Ear Pick/slotted head screw. Insert the Ear Pick/slotted head screw through the hole of the Tweezers/Fork, insert the Ear Pick/Slotted head screw, with the Tweezers/Fork into the knurled metal tip, then insert the Ear Pick/slotted head screw, and the knurled metal tip into the top pen cylinder, and tighten by turning the (3) cylinders to secure Tweezers/Fork for use.”


How do you feel about giving THAT a whirl? I might warn you, each of these pieces — and I have a huge problem because I have never in my life heard of knurled metal, so I don’t know how to insert ANYTHING into the knurled metal tip — but each piece is roughly the size of a grain of rice. So I hope your dexterity is spot on. Oh, and the print for the instructions, including the 60-word and one-number sentence above, is smaller than the tag on Barbie’s new mattress.

Also, should you be interested, I should tell you that if you want to undo what you just did to insert the Ear Pick/Tweezers/Fork, it says you simply reverse the procedure. Yes, uh-huh…simple.

I know that this would be the perfect item to have if one were, say, stranded on a desert island. Not only could you take care of routine personal hygiene and construct items like birdhouses out of driftwood and whittled wooden pegs, but you could easily use the ear pick to stab large, meaty insects, then, using your short cutting blade you could remove the liver and spleen (I hear they hold toxins ready for disposal by the insect), and dine with the handy fork.

Truly a Godsend.

You know what? As my first act of the holiday season, I am going to offer this 13-in-one-pen to the first person to send in a comment about the pen. In limerick form.

After all, some other generous soul obviously cleaned out HIS junk drawer and I was the lucky beneficiary. I’ll just pass the love along.

And no, I’ve never stuck it in my ear.


3 Responses to “Amazing 13-function pen, FREE to first poet!”

  1. Gina Perry Says:

    I’m a little bored over here
    I do feel there’s something in my ear
    Now and then in an emergency I have to turn a screw
    Or fix the plumbing in the loo
    The multi-function pen may come in handy, I fear.

    • ashleyolsonrosen Says:

      Woo-hoo! Gina’s poetry is the winner! And she even got the limerick form correct!! Gina, you are the LUCKY winner of the AMAZING 13-function-in-one pen. Send me an email at with your address and I’ll get it RIGHT in the mail to you! (When they ask if it’s something hazardous, I don’t know what to say … I mean, it IS a saw …)

  2. Julie Turner Says:

    Gina, I will expect to see that wonderful pen next week in all its glory!!!

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