A humorous look at the little things in life

My day, by the numbers, adds up to zero accomplished October 8, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 1:23 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: Frog’s Leap Sauvignon Blanc. My friend Beth Webb, a sauvignon blanc lover, brought this to me recently and I tried it last night (while watching Glee and Cougartown, my two new favorites!) Frog’s Leap appealed to me because I prefer a drier wine and this had a lot of flavor but wasn’t too fruity. It has a bit of acidity and low alcohol content, a great complement to a weeknight meal. Oh, and the Web site is an adventure – it even has a game! Check it out:

Every day, we get mail from at least six colleges that are interested in having my daughter and her tuition check come to their school.

Many of these correspondences are very slick and impressive. One of my favorite features that many of them offer is a “By the Numbers” column, heading a list of things like # of states our students hail from; # of students who graduated in the top 10 percent of their high school class; # of clubs and organizations available; # of majors offered; and # of miles to various U.S. cities.

Because I am very introspective and always curious about statistics, I decided to analyze my daily activities and accomplishments … my own By the Numbers.

 Yesterday was my Day to Clean the House and Catch Up on Laundry and Run a Few Errands. (This differs from my other days only in that I named it, utilizing capital letters.)

Here it is – a quantitative review of my Wednesday.


8 – cats fed

2- dogs fed

3 – overnight furball vomits cleaned up

1- overnight furball vomit discovered while oozing between bare toes

3 – cups of coffee

2 – cat hairs floating in my coffee, discovered only as they laced their way down my throat

8 – loads of laundry completed

2 – loads of laundry completed twice due to white cat sleeping on dark folded clothes prior to clean clothes’ placement in dressers

52 – Frisbees tossed

6 – dog eye boogers removed

5 – dog eye boogers wrapped in paper towels and disposed of

1 – dog eye booger dropped somewhere on floor

7 – calls from Unknown Number, who got hung up on as soon as the telltale hesitation gave them away as telemarketers. (I think these folks are SO stunned when someone picks up the phone that they flounder around a minute, desperately trying to remember which name on their list they just called … but I’m gone before they can pronounce my name wrong.)

3 – texts from family and friends describing a variety of symptoms, all followed with some form of this question: Swine flu?

45 – minutes vacuuming the hardwood floors

6 – tumbleweeds of Golden Retriever hair that appeared from under the furniture and began doing happy dances to celebrate their survival after I put the vacuum cleaner away

8 – number of news stories I watched on Fox News Channel

15 – number of ads for Viagra and Extenze I watched on Fox News Channel

15 – number of times I verbalized “Ewww.”

1 – number of items I needed at Costco

1 – number of books I had to buy at Costco to use as a tray to transport the too-hot-to-carry chicken to the checkout line

29 – number of e-mails I received

12 – number of e-mails I hadn’t received at least once before

20 – number of the e-mails that involved old age, sex or drinking or old-age sex while drinking

8 – ounces of luscious canned soup that I heated for lunch

2 – minutes before the obnoxious “counter cat” stuck her foot in the hot soup and flicked its tomatoey goodness all over the cream-colored walls and my clean shirt

1 – load of laundry already piled up for tomorrow

13 – number of times I got my old lady butt down on the floor to peer under furniture and locate missing kitty fun balls that the black Lab and tabby cat enjoy for approximately

3 – minutes each time before they knock it under low-lying furniture

4 – number of additional Golden Retriever tumbleweeds I found while looking for the kitty ball

2 – number of times the black bean soup I was making for dinner boiled over, leaving purple foam all over the once-clean stove

8 – number of times I checked Facebook to put off changing the cat litter

1 – number of little red flags I had bearing a “notification” in the course of like 10 hours

4 – total hours I labored over the black bean soup

4 – total number of minutes after entering house before daughter announced she HATES black bean soup

5 – dead frogs scooped out during leisure time spent by ice-cold, leaf-and-cadaver-laden pool

15 – number of minutes I spent cleaning up disaster area caused by black Lab getting new collar stuck in decorative food-and-water-bowl stand and the ensuing panic and mayhem and spillage

3 – times I washed the same pair of my husband’s dress socks because the psychotic black long-haired cat kept taking it from the clean clothes pile and having her way with it on the dining room table

2 – servings of black bean soup left for family’s dinner after significant depletions in volume caused by earlier overflows and thick layer of burned beans permanently adhered to bottom of pan

2 – glasses of (very richly deserved) wine imbibed while watching Glee and Cougartown

I suggest you try this activity with your days. Just a warning, though: It may make you wonder why you get up in the morning. But don’t fall for that, because that would just double your numbers for the next day. And having fur ball puke squish between your bare toes TWICE in one morning is just not tolerable.


4 Responses to “My day, by the numbers, adds up to zero accomplished”

  1. Beth Says:

    Too bad you couldn’t add:

    1 – hour spent trying to get an undesirable bird OUT of your house while

    2 – Jack Russell Terriers tried to “help” get said bird out of your house.

    Now, THAT would have been the icing on the cake for you, I’m sure. Especially since you would then have to clean

    8 – little piles of bird poop from your nicely painted entrance hall walls…

  2. Tricia Says:

    {hugs} what else can I say after a day like that?

  3. Bammy Says:

    what a day!!!!!

  4. Wineuy Says:

    Well, congratulations on reaching and exceeding the 5,000 hit mark — that is quite an accomplishment. This blog is very funny, well written and provides many of us with a well earned break to our otherwise crazy and sometimes dreary days. Many of my co-workers see and hear me laughing out loud while reading your blog; they now think I’m crazy, which is fine. Thanks again!

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