funnierwithwine

A humorous look at the little things in life

Watch for my new REALITY magazine. Useful tips and free beer. September 25, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 4:14 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: Paul Newman Chardonnay. My friend Gina Perry sent this rec my way – thanks Gina! There’s a really cool idea for a party to honor Paul Newman’s legacy at http://www.cheapfunwines.com/archives/cat_chardonnay.php. Their description of the chard: “Very lush and fragrant with scents of ripe tropical fruits… mainly pineapple. Lush and full on the palate as well. More tropical fruit woven with bright pear, golden apple and a thread of creamy vanilla oak lending flavor to its viscosity, all tempered by enough acidity to provide a crisp finish.”

OK, I don’t know about you, but as a frequent magazine reader, I’m getting tired of the same articles recycled over and over … pick up a copy of any woman’s magazine and here’s the line-up on the cover:

• Chicken, six ways

• A 30-minute workout you can do at your desk

• Outfits to take you from day to night

• Your home can be a green home

• Show your children you love them

Enough already! I am going to start a magazine that covers the same five topics (cooking, exercise, fashion, home and child-rearing) but that does it with REALITY in mind. Here are some of the notes I’ve made for the first issue:

One Chicken, Six Days: (There will be a picture of a handsome guy – I’m thinking Ashton Kutcher – yes, still – wearing a chef hat and a snappy apron that says, “I’ll cook, you rest” while standing next to a grill with a spatula.) Then I’ll offer six chicken recipes that can be accomplished with only one chicken.

Also, I am going to MAKE UP all the recipes. Toward the end of the week, the meat supply may be running low, so I’m thinking on Wednesday, the recipe will be like Chicken and LOTS of Minute Rice and on Thursday it’ll be Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup With Extra Flakes of Chicken From The Bottom of the Tupperware, and on Friday, it’ll be Wine With Memories of Chicken. This addresses the recession issue too. Nice.

Walking to the Break Room For Ho-Hos is NOT Exercising at Work: All this crap about lifting your feet off the floor and sucking in your stomach while on a conference call is still crap, it’s just printed crap. Don’t believe everything you read.

There is nothing you can do while sitting in a rolling chair that will build muscle. Except maybe when the rolling chair falls off its little Plexiglas stage and you have to grab the edge of the desk and try to pull yourself back up, out of the abyss. That’s pretty strenuous.

But just as holding onto the leather straps while standing on the bus don’t count as chin-ups, flexing one’s stomach muscles while on a conference call isn’t the same as sit-ups. I should know … I haven’t done any of the above-mentioned movements since … hmmm… (note to self: hire fitness expert to help write this one. Check to see if the human body actually does have muscles in abdomen.)

How to Change From Your Work Clothes Into Your Slutty, Going-Out Clothes While Driving: (I’m gonna use a cute sub-head, here,  like – And Avoid Being Arrested, Too!) Instead of ONE more article on dressing down the little black dress by day and jazzing it up at night, just do a freakin’ costume change on the way to the soiree.

There are definite tips than can facilitate this endeavor. When my husband coached softball, everyone on Highway 42 saw his undies at about 5:10 p.m. daily. This is because he didn’t have the changing-in-the-car thing down to a science, like I do.

But changing in the car is important to women. They need to know this information. Tips will include: 1) wear a lacey cami under your suit – it makes the switch from day to night and may help get you a raise during lunch. 2) Shimmy your skirt down over your butt while driving fast, then use cruise control while you pull it over your feet. Toss dancing dress onto floorboard for pulling up into place at first stoplight. 3) Apply new makeup ONLY at stoplights or at speeds under 45 m.p.h., and be prepared to throw your makeup bag out the window in the event you rear-end someone. And 4) Don’t flip your hair for fullness while driving. The steering wheel will leave a nasty indentation on your forehead and it doesn’t matter how sexy your dress, an inverted TOYOTA across the head will ruin everything.

The Greenest Home: A Tent In The Backyard: (I’m going to show a picture of a nice, upper-middle-class home with a “Rooms for Rent” sign out front and a tent village in the side yard.)

First line: “Here’s a way you won’t harm the environment any more than you already were, while making a TON of extra income…move into your backyard!”

Then I’ll tell about how nice it will be to walk to work (the house) and use the indoor plumbing while you pick up the rent checks; how to avoid using pesticides on your lawn, so you don’t develop an ugly rash when you sleep; and how electricity is overrated because kids fall asleep SO much faster without stimuli like TV and videogames and reading.

I will, however, have to advocate purchasing ice to keep the wine bucket filled, but I think that’s OK with the “green”police. Since the whole world is apparently melting, water is bound to still be in abundance.

Also, I’ll include tips on leaving your pets inside the air-conditioned comfort of home, and convincing the renters that having a kitty in your bed is remniscent of their childhood. Renters will also scoop litter and be forced to listen to the dog who licks his butt all night.

What To Do When Your Child Says She Hates You: Remember, this is a REALITY magazine. If your child hasn’t told you she hates you, she does, she just hasn’t said it IN FRONT OF YOU.

So parents want to know how to respond. Sure, you want to say, “Well, you little crap, I hate you MORE,” but that’s the kind of stuff that just keeps snowballing until it totally backs up our whole court system.

I’ll offer little tips – follow-ups, if you will – to help you keep your sanity. I’ll recommend saying all the right things – mature things – like, “Oh, that’s a shame, honey, because I love you SO much…”

Then I’ll offer advice on how to get just enough revenge to stabilize your blood pressure without getting caught. Think packing their lunches, making their beds and picking them up in front of the movie theater after dark … a little late while the creepy Friday-night moviegoers swarm them on the curb.

So watch for it. REALITY MAGAZINE … Coming to a newsstand near you. (I know! I’ll have separate newsstands for my mag, equip them with Brewmeisters, and offer a free beer with purchase! I KNEW I’d use my marketing skills one day!)

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One Response to “Watch for my new REALITY magazine. Useful tips and free beer.”

  1. Gina Perry Says:

    Almost wet my pants laughing!!


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