A humorous look at the little things in life

Purging the thoughts that keep me up at night September 8, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 8:51 pm
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Recommended wine for today’s entry: Montes Alpha Cabernet Sauvignon 2006. This is another of my friend Kara’s faves – According to, it’s “Aged 12 months in French oak, and made of 90% Cabernet Sauvignon and 10% Merlot from the Apalta vineyard, look for red fruits, blackcurrant, chocolate and cigar box complexities that are in balance w/ fine vanillan oak.” Also called a great wine for the money, it received a 91 from Wine Enthusiast and a 90 from Wine Advocate. This is a good bottle to take as a hostess gift!

 Today I’m going to spew out some recent thoughts that I’m not able to properly express to the players involved for various, often obvious, reasons.

 To the 6’4” monster-shaped man at Kroger who jumped a foot and let out an exasperated gasp when I almost touched you with my cart today: STOP BEING A WEENIE AND MAN UP. Not only did I not touch you, but I was barely moving and the only thing in my cart was a box of graham crackers. If I did bump you, you had an excellent chance of survival.

 To the frog whom I’ve fished out of my pool three times already: I recognize you. I know you’re jumping in there on purpose now. If I find you swimming frantically side to side one more time, I will know that you are actually one of those suicide frogs and I will let you go. I would ask that you try not to bloat up and get all icky looking and wash out to the middle of the pool just as we pour cocktails for our friends this weekend. I’m assuming we have a deal.

 To my friends Beth and Jody: You are both excellent hostesses, but due to my apparent immaturity, we are going to have to develop a new signal. From now on, no matter what my mouth tells you about me wanting one more glass of wine, if my ears and nose have turned red, I’m done. One caveat: If my husband says to cut me off, it doesn’t matter if my ears and nose have gone magenta. Pour it. 

 To the Duggars, the unbelieveably adorable couple from the reality show 18 Kids and Counting. The same ones who are now eagerly expecting their 19th child next March: Are you KIDDING me here? How in the world do you have the time, opportunity or, most astounding, the inclination to even think about sex? With 18 children, a daughter-in-law and an entire production team milling about your house with cameras, I can’t imagine there’s a whole lot of couple time. Not to mention, the obvious fertility factor. Personally, I’d be afraid to bump into each other in the walk-in closet.

 To the idiot possum who has decided he lives in my garage: I AM NOT YOUR MAMA! And when I go out in the garage at night and call, “Kitty, kitty, kitty,” THAT IS NOT YOU! I know I laughed when you and the two cats came running the other night – but that is NOT because I like you … it’s because, in an odd, out-of-body experience way, you all looked like the slo-mo start to Baywatch when everyone comes running up the beach. Except you are not Pamela Anderson. You are a possum and you don’t live in my garage. And shooting a spray of pee at me as you run off doesn’t make you one bit more endearing.

 To the people who make up crossword puzzles (a.k.a. cruciverbalists, just to impress you non-puzzlers): I think I’m speaking for much of America here – at least, those of us who graduated from public high schools – when I say that we have NO idea what little rivers exist in Turkey or Chile or Switzerland. If it’s not in the United States or it’s not the Tigris, Euphrates, Amazon, Nile, Thames or Seine – WE DON’T KNOW IT. Putting it in the puzzles over and over doesn’t help either. I will not retain it. I am tired of having just one clump of puzzle that I can’t finish just because YOU people, for whatever reason, have some obscure-river fetish. Oh, and I also know the Yangtze River, but only because Ping the duck lived on its yellow waters with that butthead of a man who spanked the poor thing on the back all the time.

 It sure feels good to get these things out. I think that whole man-beating-Ping thing might have been festering for quite some time now. Anyway, thanks for listening.


One Response to “Purging the thoughts that keep me up at night”

  1. Beth Says:

    Ping???? Does he have a wise-eyed boat???

    And, don’t you know that our house is the house of the bottom-less glass of wine? Totally trumps red-nosed, blurry-eyed, husband-giving-the-no-more demand. There will be no counting glasses of wine……

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