A humorous look at the little things in life

Try my new Internet Search Diet – you’ll put down (or toss) your cookies August 31, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 7:56 pm
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Recommended wine for today’s entry: Because the topic is disgusting foods, I hate to associate a delicious wine with this topic. But, because I know those of you who read this before dinner will possibly opt of the evening meal tonight, I’ll recommend a “Touchstone Merlot 2002 Rapel, VOE Vintage Roots of Arborfield, an Organic Chilean bursting with fruit.” This pick was made by Jancis Robinson at, in a 2004 posting titled, “The Red Wine Revolution: No Food.” Those of you who swear off food after reading my entry may want to peruse her full article!

I’m a firm believer that the best way to lose weight is to control eating. The best way to control eating is to think about what you’re putting into your mouth. And the best way to know what you’re putting into your mouth is a quick session on the Internet.

Take yogurt, for instance. While I do occasionally get past the texture issue and eat yogurt, I am always nagged by the memory of an old boyfriend’s brother describing to me the live bacteria I was ingesting. So I looked it up.

The first thing I read: “Yogurt is a custard-like food made from curdled milk.” I don’t know about you, but curdled milk is rarely something I crave.

One site offered me a comprehensive chart of yogurts:

Searches related to: what is yogurt
lactobacillus bulgaricus yogurt streptococcus thermophilus yogurt   lactobacillus acidophilus yogurt

I don’t know about you, but this list strikes me as something you could expect to find on the toilet seat of a Port-O-Let, not in the dairy aisle.  

However, I think my favorite description is this:

“Bacteria in the milk ferments and coagulates to thicken the milk to a creamy texture, adding a tangy, slightly astringent flavor.”

 Really, when I open the fridge, not sure what I’m in the mood for, sometimes I scan the offerings and think, “Hmm… if only I could find something with bacteria that has fermented. And something that coagulates but isn’t blood. Oh, and I have a taste for astringentbut we’re out of Stridex pads. AHH…yes! Duh, … yogurt!”

 Or how about escargot? And I’m not just picking on escargot because it made me vomit for the first four days of my honeymoon. It really is a yucky concept.

 Next time you think you’re so continental, ordering escargot and using the quaint little specialty fork to skewer the slug and pull it to your lips, consider this:

 “Farmed snails … must go through a period of fasting which usually lasts for one week before being prepared to cleanse their intestines, which can make the dish turn bitter if not completely emptied. During the fasting period, the snails are kept in wooden ventilated boxes and food is withheld. The snails are gently washed every other day in running water, with stimulates them to empty their guts.” This is real: check me:

You know, I would love to say something funny here, but I’m afraid that I’ve caused my own gorge to rise (don’t you love that phrase?) I think it was the closing, the “empty their guts” that clenched the deal. No wonder I threw up my whole honeymoon.

 Clams. First, I find it less than appealing that you yank them out of the muck on the bottom of the ocean. They are covered in barnacles and dirty with “silt,” which I believe refers to all the what-not that oozes out of various holes in marine creatures’ bodies and off of human swimmers’ feet.

Then, after prying them open, you have to remove some sort of membrane, which sounds very oozy and revolting. A quick rinse to remove the “silt” … then you dip them in butter and swallow them whole. Presumably, they taste like … I’m gonna guess here … butter? So why don’t you roll a pat of butter into a nice ball and swallow it? That way, your house won’t stink like a fishing pier on a 95-degree day. 

Just an idea.

And my final gross selection is a tie between sardines and anchovies. I’m sure someone with class could tell them apart, but to me, and I’m guessing I’m not alone here … they’re both bait.

 Really. The whole little-fish-exist-for-medium-fish-to-eat-that-exist-for-big-fish-to-eat-that-exist-for-humans-who-aren’t-eaten-by-sharks-to-eat thing. I think my mom told me that it was called the clover chain. So if we’re at the top of the chain, why are we peeling back cans and pulling out heavily salted minnows, some of which still have their faces? Honestly, are you that hungry?

 A Web site ( had a comment that sums it up for me: Anchovies: “They’re very salty and make me feel as though I’m chewing on somebody’s eyebrow.”

I do so respect an original metaphor.

 Maybe I’ll write a diet book and recommend everyone stock their fridge with yogurt, escargot, clams, sardines and anchovies. I’ll include these descriptions on a laminated refrigerator magnet (laminated in case of accidental vomiting while reading).

 Just be glad I didn’t delve into pickled anything … pickled eggs, pickled beets … pickled pigs feet?  I honestly think I would eat my own hand before I’d give that a try.

 So if you were thinking about inviting me to dinner, you know to skip the escargot and clams.

 Or – and I don’t blame you – skip the invitation. I understand.


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