funnierwithwine

A humorous look at the little things in life

Random thoughts on personal hygiene, enunciation and Internet searches August 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 5:32 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: Ruffino Libaio, an unoaked chardonnay from Tuscany. According to their Web site, “For 6 years in a row this wine has been selected as “best buy” or “best value” by the American wine magazine Wine Spectator.” I opened a bottle last night and found it to be just as the Wine Spectator review declared: “Bright and fruity, with lemon and fresh apple aromas and flavors. Medium bodied, with good acidity and a medium finish. Always fresh and delicious.” Get to it – there are a lot of summer sippers that you need to try before the chill sets in.

 Today I’m just going to offer you some random, stream-of-consciousness thoughts about things I’ve found funny recently.

 The mom and daughter at the doctor last week:My daughters and I were sitting in the waiting room, sharing quality time. Well, quality time with whomever the three of us were texting. But suddenly we had common interest: Ooh, yay. People to make fun of. A pre-teen girl skipped up to the receptionist desk, wearing a cute little black skirt and a leopard-print top. Fine.

 Her mother followed, in what might have been a “cute little” zebra-print skirt on her daughter, but on her it looked, well, it looked like a hooker skirt. She completed the ensemble with a t-i-g-h-t, black, belly-baring shirt and Cher-length, bleached blonde hair. The whole package was odd but forgiveable until you glimpsed a face that was, well, not young enough to match the outfit. Not young enough by about 20 years.

 As my eldest once described one of her teachers, “You think she’s going to be really, really pretty, but then she turns around and you go ‘Oh!’” My daughters and I exchanged eye expansions and other looks of disbelief.

 So they sat down across from us and we all went back to our texting. Then, because I promised myself that I would stop being a bitch – I mean, overly critical – I thought, You know, who are we to judge these people? They might be really nice people.I felt badly until I looked up and the kid was glaring at one of my daughters with a look that would make Freddie Krueger recoil.

 And then the kid pulled out nail clippers and proceeded to cut all of her fingernails. Right there in the waiting room.

 After the nurse took the little groomer and her mother back, my daughters and I stared at the yukky crescents of old fingernails dotting the carpeting and decided that some people deserve criticism.

 I really love animals, but eeeks: Why it’s important to enunciate. My long-time hairdresser, Susan, who knows all the tales of my feral cat tamings, recently told me about a lady who did wild animal rescue and rehabilitation. Here’s how the conversation went:

 Susan: Would you ever want to do that? Wildlife rehab?

 Me: No, no thanks. I can barely take care of my pets. I’ve rescued a lot of animals.

 Suddenly, Susan stopped snipping bangs and stepped back. Her eyes were huge and her hand flew to her chest.

 Susan: You what? What did you just say?

 Me: I’ve already rescued a lot of …

 Susan: (slumping with relief) Oh, thank goodness. I thought you said you could barely take care of your pets and that you’ve breastfed a lot of animals.

 Rescued, breastfed … I can see the auditory issue. But oh my! The only thing that made me feel better was the honest look of shock on her face at what she thought she’d heard.

 Interesting blog information:  Wordpress.com offers a way to find out what readers searched that led them to my blog. (Don’t worry, it doesn’t tell me who searched it!)

 Here are some of the most interesting:

“creature teachers possum dressed up in”

“the bear is good and people are crazy”

“possum dressed up in a tuxedo”

“my stupid daughter”

“attractive old women”

“I’m embarrassed to be in public because of my small chest”

“Megyn Kelly’s husband”

and this is the most troubling…

…someone searched “Megyn Kelly’s underwear” … repeatedly

 Sometimes, when there’s nothing good on TV or I’m scooping kitty litter, I try to figure out a) how these searches led to my blog and b) what kind of nut bags searched these things and how we keep them away from our children.

 Here’s what I think about this batch:

* I hope that the people who were looking for a possum who was dressed up and teaching – or for the possum who was dressed up in a tuxedo – decide to seek professional help.

* The guy who searched “the bear is good and people are crazy” was perhaps trying to find Billy Currington’s hit song lyrics after a few too many bears.

* It’s entirely possible that at some point I used the phrase “my stupid daughter,” but if so, I wasn’t referring to their lack of intelligence, it was probably just a girl fight. Parenting experts often say that when you’re having an altercation with a teenager, the best thing to do is write a blog and call them stupid.

* The attractive old women thing; I got nothing.

*The small chest problem? Granted, I’m not voluptuous, but I hardly think the Internet gods know that — at least not enough to go, “aha! I know exactly who they mean…” And besides, what exactly was the searcher hoping to find? Wouldn’t it be easier to search “boob job” or “psychiatrists?”

* And really, if someone actually gets on their computer and searches “Megyn Kelly’s underwear,” it’s time to take the laptop away.

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