Recommended wine for today’s entry: Fontana Candida Frascati. This is the wine that, 25 years ago, my husband and I lugged back from a visit to Rome (the area that it’s made) to give to all of our friends. At the end of the long trip, in the car on the way home, we heard Stiller & Meara doing a radio ad for it – it was on the end aisle display at our local grocery store. But it’s good enough that we made the effort! Try it.
Here is my idea for a fun weekend activity: Get a bottle of wine – or, seeing as it’s summer, maybe a nice, cool margarita, and settle onto the sofa for an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Now maybe you actually have a real life and haven’t had an opportunity to catch this yet. I watched an episode the other day and here are some of my observations:
This is a show that has totally screwed-up pageant moms and their totally screwed-up children.
First, there was a mother with twin daughters. Both girls were pageant contestants, but the mother didn’t even try to act like they were on equal footing. I don’t remember their names, so I’ll make them up. They interview the mother and she says, “Arianna, she looks just like me. She usually wins.” Then she looks over at the other child (remember, twins, and they look practically identical) and says, “Brittany, w-e-l-l, she’s just a little (she scrunches up her nose in disgust) … plain. And her nose is bigger.” The kid is just sitting there, listening.
If Brittany burns her mother in her bed and I happen to be on the jury, that kid has a pass from me. Oh, and did I mention that the mother looks like a can opener? Maybe you could take some of those entry fees and hit the orthodontist, mama…
Then there is the woman with the little boy pageant participant. We first see him, all dressed up and ready for competition, and in his interview he says, “I’m like the funniest person on Earth.” Well, that’s all he says.
Wouldn’t you think that if he were truly funny they would take the one opportunity they have when a TV camera comes to their living room – in Bug’s Breath, Arkansas or wherever – to have him SAY something funny? Maybe I’m a skeptic, but I don’t think he really is the funniest person on Earth.
I will say, his grandma, who looks just like H.R. Pufnstuf, she is funny. And his mom, who is preparing funny boy’s TWO WEEK old brother for competition … she’s funny too. That isn’t a typo. She’s putting this little mini-tuxedo on this kid whose head is lolling about like a doll without enough stuffing its neck. And she says, comparing the baby to the older son, “I think he’ll be a little more reserved.” OH REALLY? YOU THINK A TWO WEEK OLD BABY WILL BE MORE RESERVED THAN THE FUNNIEST PERSON ON EARTH? HE CAN’T TALK, LADY!
Then there’s the little kid who looks like a mini Baby Jane (from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?) She has a fake tan, fake nails, a fake hairpiece and a pacifier.
I got up and got more wine at this point, and when I returned one of the mothers was saying that they spend $2,100-$3,600 per dress for their four-year-old and they spend $65,000-$70,000 a year on pageants. Holy crap. And her kid is … I hate to disparage this kid, because she is obviously going to have major issues (I mean, who is going to marry someone who expects a $3,000 dress at age four?) But the kid isn’t attractive and could already stand to lose about 25 pounds. I know that sounds mean, but maybe the really expensive pageant coach could throw some jumping jacks into the mix. I know, I know, that’s really rude, but it’s nothing compared to the agony her mom is putting her through.
I didn’t write down who won what … I do remember that the two-week old WAS reserved, because he was sound asleep through his performance. His head did stay attached, but there were some nerve-wracking moments.
Then, just when I thought that our society couldn’t get any worse, a crawl came across the screen: Stay tuned for I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. Seriously, there are enough people who go through nine months of pregnancy without knowing they’re pregnant until they give birth, and who ALSO are willing to tell their impressive stories on national TV, to fill not just a show or special but a SERIES?
Gotta love satellite TV.