funnierwithwine

A humorous look at the little things in life

How do beauty queens avoid pre-pageant disasters? July 13, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 6:55 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: Roederer Estate Brut California Anderson Valley Sparkling Wine. Although I’ve not tasted this, I am going to recommend it today because The Donald (Trump, that is) served the top-of-the line champagne from this vineyard, Cristal Champagne, at his last wedding. This sparkler, which is listed at around $45, seems a big more realistic. The description I read said that, “lemon and grapefruit flavors make up the core of this lean, focused bubbly, which also harbors yeasty, floral and pear-like overtones. The bracing acidity is refreshing, while the finish lingers impressively.” http://cristalchampagne.com/ Yum…

No, I’m not thinking about The Apprentice today. I’m thinking about beauty pageants.

It’s not like I’m considering entering one – unless Donald is willing to cater to the aging Baby Boomers with a Miss Ancient America contest, with awards categories like Least Leathery Neck and Closest-to-Straight Spine. Talents could include things like line dancing, water aerobics or … and this is the one I would choose, choreographed cornhole. I’m thinking this has possibilities. I mean, if people watched Tower Dogs, this could be a hit.

I guess I’ve really just been wondering how the contestants avoid having something heinous happen right before the big day. I mean, a beauty queen works for years, honing talents, practicing uncontroversial answers, toning and tanning her body and bleaching her teeth and tresses. It’s a LOT of preparation.

But what if something obscure and out of her control happens to her right before the pageant? What if she is savagely attacked – as I recently was – by a roaming band of mosquitoes, leaving her perfect body disfigured by 52 red, swollen, itchy welts?

Or what if she reaches under the stove for a pan to boil her egg for the day, and a really, really heavy cast-iron skillet launches itself out of the cabinet and lands solidly on their big toe? What does she do when, the next day, the toenail turns purply-black and detaches at the base, so that it flops, a black, painful flash, with every step she takes? How’s that gonna look with her spike heels and swimsuit?

Or speaking of swimsuits, what if she tries to weave herself between the chair and the end table, like she always does to avoid having to walk ALL the way around the stupid chair, but some stupid person MOVED the stupid chair and now the corner of the end table has speared her thigh? Then tomorrow there’s a bruise the size and shape of Rhode Island right at the point of her sash? What then? Yes, I agree, if she’s from Rhode Island, it could be a positive. But what if not?

What if she hiccups when she opens her mouth to answer the all-important question?

What if she gets an eye infection and it’s oozy and swollen and half closed? They don’t make enough blue eye shadow to rectify that.

What if, while they’re doing the jaunty opening number, she sneezes, unnoticed, in the back row, but as she’s walking forward to introduce herself, she has the unmistakable feeling of a booger in the opening to her left nostril?

Or this is the best one: What if she has poison ivy, but it’s a month before the pageant and she gets a cortisone shot with one of those huge needles that is so long it’d go right through her arm, so they have to put in her butt. And her poison ivy goes away, but a month later, abruptly, all the tissue in one butt cheek collapses and she has an indentation like the Grand Canyon back there? What then? Do they have like special butt putty for those kind of emergencies?

Now, like I said, I’m not suggesting that I was ever pageant material. (Well, I was trying not to brag, but I was runner up in the very prestigious Little Miss City Beautiful pageant when I was 6 and I won a toy broom. Not worth the discomfort of the frilly, itchy underwear, actually.)

But why don’t these kinds of maladies happen to the beauties?

I would honestly have to stay in a padded room for the six months prior to competition.

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One Response to “How do beauty queens avoid pre-pageant disasters?”

  1. Mary Ingmire Says:

    I agree. These maladies never seem to hit beauty contestants, just like birds don’t poop on mailboxes of the rich. Why is it that definitions of beauty don’t include stretch marks, cellulite, arm flaps, and a butt the size of Texas?


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