funnierwithwine

A humorous look at the little things in life

Daydreaming about revenge is just as sweet. Usually. July 7, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 6:08 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: 2007 Napa Valley “Oak Knoll” Viognier from Goosecross wines. I have to admit that I’ve not tried this yet, but plan to. The description on their Web site is: Mouth-filling flavors of honeyed peach, ripe mango, and crisp citrus are interwoven with honeysuckle, fresh pineapple and a tantalizing hint of Chinese five-spice. Since honeysuckle is the universal scent of summer, how could this not be great? They list it at $29 a bottle – which they label as a “wine to drink every day.” For me that’s more of a special occasion wine!

Do you ever get angry? Really, really angry? So angry you wish you could spit or pull hair? Well, of course you do! (Unless you’re on one of these new “special” meds or are a golden retriever.) Unfortunately, spitting and hair pulling are a no-no for grown women or men who don’t live in Hollywood.

So what can you do when you’re really mad?

My advice: 1)Take a long, deep breath. 2)Open a bottle of good wine. 3) Plot revenge.

As many child care experts say, the punishment should fit the crime. We’ve all heard that from Dr. Spock (I might note that I am personally not a big follower of his. By the time you read his verbose book, discuss the issue at length with your child and then psychoanalyze the child’s remarks, generally the living room curtains will be fully involved and the sofa is starting to smolder.) But, as usual, I digress.

Revenge should fit the crime.

Here are some sample infractions and my corresponding revenges:

Husband expects you to do too many errands: (This is especially effective when you both are working) Let’s say he whines about being out of shampoo. Like his car doesn’t pass Walgreens on his way home from work, too. Revenge Plan: Apologize. Buy him shampoo. Put shampoo in bathroom. Wait about a week and, when you’re having a good time, at dinner or whatever, smile and him and say, “Aw, when we have fun like this I feel really bad about peeing in your shampoo.” IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT I DIDN’T SAY TO ACTUALLY DO IT. Just the statement, a week later, is enough. This works with just about anything and is not limited to shampoo. It adapts nicely to toothbrushes and toilets, for example.

Neighbor threatens your pets: Let’s say the jerk hates animals and puts stupid signs up in his yard of a dog squatting with a null sign over it. Revenge Plan: Call one of the companies who “pooper scoop” for a living and ask them to save their weekly collections for you, providing them with a handy wheelbarrow for their convenience. Then, under dark of night, disperse the contents throughout his yard, being sure to drop some into the bushes with large thorns right outside his bedroom window. Note: You will want to borrow a trailer to tote the ‘barrow of poop to the subject’s house. Do NOT put it in your car. Even the trunk.

Your teenager forgets your birthday: Nothing. Not just no gift … no cake. No heartfelt greeting. Revenge Plan: Don’t say anything. Bide your time until her next birthday. Then, take her out for an early dinner. When you get home, have a couple cars parked like they were supposed to be hidden, but they’re not. Maybe even say, “huh, that’s weird, whose cars are those?” Then make a big fuss about her going in the door first. She goes in, peering around, expecting a surprise. Nothing happens. Then you go in behind her and people come from every nook and cranny! Surprise! It’s all YOUR friends, and the party’s for YOU!! Make sure no one acknowledges your daughter’s birthday.

And here’s my best one…

Husband or wife trying to ignite a former flame: Maybe the ol’ spouse is a little TOO anxious about an upcoming high school reunion and you happen to know their former flame will be there. He/she is working out like crazy, or better yet, hires a personal trainer six months before the event. Revenge Plan: Well, they make this magic medicine that stimulates appetite and if my sick cat is any indication, this stuff WORKS. Starting about two weeks before the reunion, just slip a little into his/her breakfast every day and watch them blow up like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. Revenge is SWEET!

Now, I am CERTAINLY not advocating any of these in real life. It can be  therapeutic just to dream them up. 

Just don’t piss me off and test me.

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4 Responses to “Daydreaming about revenge is just as sweet. Usually.”

  1. Mary Ingmire Says:

    Ashley,
    You are an evil genius! I like it. Have you ever forked your obnoxious neighbor’s yard? Gather other neighbors who don’t care for said neighbor and fill his/her front yard with plastic picnic forks. Since no one likes him/her, s/he has to pull them out by him/herself.

    • ashleyolsonrosen Says:

      Y-e-e-s, I like the forking idea. Except I really, really hate my (ex) neighbor. Can I amend it to plastic knives for cathartic effect?

  2. April in Richmond Says:

    Oh my, I have actually put out one of those “no poop” universal symbols myself. Not because I dislike pets, but because I have my own dog in my yard (hey, Sally has a facebook account and will send you a friend request so you can see her pic and profile!) I clean up after my own dog in my yard… and sometimes when my kids want to earn money I make them do the “poop loop” around the yard picking it up with a zip lock back over their little hand. (They have to want something really bad to do this…) My extra poop (not belonging to my dog) doesn’t come from random pups roaming the neighborhood, it comes from my neighbor’s dog, whom my neighbor allows to stop and “make a deposit” in my yard when they are walking. I’ve asked her not to do this, but she seems not to think anything is wrong with this. So I must ask you why should I have to clean up after her dog as well as my own? I don’t throw trash or poop or anything else in her yard, so why in the hell can’t she carry a bag and clean up her own dogs’ mess? It is unfair to label we “no poop” sign users as animal haters. Any ideas about how to retaliate against my neighbor would be appreciated.

  3. ashleyolsonrosen Says:

    I didn’t label the ex-neighbor as a pet hater because of the sign, I labelled him that because he threatened to kill all the cats in the neighborhood. The no-poop signs (there are like six of them) came up afterward. That’s what gave me the revenge that I knew would bother him…
    As for your neighbor, hmm…you could take a picture of her dog pooping in your yard with her standing there watching (preferably in an ugly robe and rollers) and then have it blown up and draw a red null sign over it and put it up in your yard. Distribute them to the other neighbors, too!


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