A humorous look at the little things in life

I went swimming with sharks … and nearly drowned June 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 8:10 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: A Baqueano Sauvignon Blanc/Semillion from Baguala winery in Argentina. It’s another recommendation from my friend Becky, who tasted apple in it. I also think that it may be what South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford was drinking from his “canteen” on the “Appalachian trail.” Ah, another horn dog in office. How refreshing!

Well, I’ve done it. Gotten a big-girl phone. I told you I was ready.

Now, this isn’t like a REALLY good phone, but it’s not a Go Phone either. My husband and I decided that it would be best if I found a phone that only cost like $60-$80 more than a standard upgrade phone. So I did some research online and narrowed it down to two Samsung models. Then I set out for the phone store, a place that I hate with all my heart.

But I wanted to JUST LOOK at the two potential phones — to see if the supposedly small buttons were too small for my taste. I took my older, blunt-spoken daughter and her 6-foot-4, football-playing friend Kees with me for protection from the salespeople.

So here’s what happened. The words in italics are the things that I wish I’d said but didn’t. Because, although I have been accused many times (and by many people) of saying everything that pops into my head, that is simply not true. Although this guy would have deserved it.

(Before we go in, I turn to Sam and Kees.) See them circling in there? They’re just waiting for fresh meat. I need y’all to stay with me in here, OK? OK. I’m going in.

Ding! (The door opening — I’m trying to set the mood here)

Pirahna #1: (Standing too close and invading my personal space. Already) Hi! What’s your name?

Me: Ashley.

Pirahna #1: Ashley, what can I do for you, Ashley? Today, Ashley?

Me: I just want to LOOK at two phones. Two CHEAP phones.

Pirahna #1: (Stepping backward): Oh, then Bill will be taking care of you today.

Bill (Shaking my hand): What’s your name?

Me: (Looking at his name tag) My name is Bill. Bill Jones.  (I just think it would be fun to screw with one of these name-obsessed people this way). Ashley. Still.

Bill: Well, Ashley, what can I do for you today, Ashley?

Me: Like I told the other guy, I just want TO LOOK at two CHEAP PHONES. I’m going to order them online, I just want to look at the Samsung — wait, I see them over there — they’re orange and green, so I see them. (Bolting to get away)

Bill: (Who has materialized by the Samsungs before I get there like the witch on Wizard of Oz): Really, Ashley? These? I would have had you for an I-Phone.

Me: Do you mean you would have traded me for an I-Phone or you would have had your way with me if I gave you an I-Phone? Nope. I’m not an I-Phone girl. I’ve been through about 20 phones in the last four years. Dropped ’em in boiling water, iced tea, you name it.

Bill: Wow, Ashley. You sound like one busy lady, Ashley. Can I just show you the I-Phone Ashley? The price has come down quite a bit.

(Finally my daughter, who has been jumping onto Kees’ back and chasing him through the cramped store, comes to my aid.)

Sam: She’s not going to buy an I-Phone. My dad would kill her.

Bill: (Giving her a disparaging look). Fine. Ashley, it sounds like you need a Bluetooth; you’re so busy.

Me: Honestly, Bill, I am not busy at all. I am almost always home, so I even sometimes use a HOME PHONE BILL. I AM TALKING ABOUT A LANDLINE. (I watch him pull back as if slapped).

Bill: (Now standing next to the Bluetooths … and OK, I’m standing by Bill by the Bluetooths) See? You can dump the pasta and your phone is nowhere nearby.

Me: Actually, Bill, I think people just wear those things to make themselves look and feel important. Sometimes I clip my flip phone onto my hair and pretend that I’m talking, just to impress people. And it works, Bill. People are stupid.

Bill: (Eyeing the door, where a woman with a better purse and much bigger wedding ring than mine has just entered) So, Ashley, I think if you get the Samsung, you should get it here because we are offering a $50 rebate.

Me: Hmm…Well, maybe. Easy to do the rebate?

Bill: Yep. No problem. And you HAVE to get this plastic case to protect the phone. See it’s made specially for the slide phones and oh, look, I’ve already put it on your phone!

Me: Sure, the green one will be fine, I guess. Where’s my daughter?

Bill: (Already ringing me up) She’s over there with your son.

Me: OK, Bill, brothers and sisters don’t usually jump on each other’s backs once they’re college age. Even in Kentucky. He’s not my son. How much is the piece of plastic that we’re calling a cell-phone case?

Bill: Uh, … your total today is $116.95. There’s an $18 blah-blah-blah charge and with the brand-spanking new phone and the case, …

Me: My husband is going to kill me. Thank God for the rebate. The forms are in here, right?

Bill: Absolutely. You’ve got everything you need, Ashley. (He almost tramples me trying to take new rich lady from the jaws of Pirahna #1)


So, of course, there are no rebate forms in my bag. And I called the  store yesterday, where, in this age of a Bluetooth sticking out of every ear, I got an answering machine. They haven’t called me back yet, 24 hours later. Go figure, huh?

But in the interest of full disclosure, I did drop my brand-spanking new phone by the pool today and scratched up the … plastic cover! So I’ve already gotten my $29.99 value from it!! Woo-hoo!


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