Recommended wine for today’s entry: Because we are going with our friends Brent and Lorraine to Martini’s Italian Bistro tonight, I already know that I’ll be having one of my stand-by favorites, Bonterra chardonnay. It’s a great Friday-night wine and it’s organic! I heartily recommend it!
Today, every one of you should say a prayer of thanks that you are not a receptionist at a network affiliate. If, by chance, you are a receptionist at a network affiliate, then you should get off your computer and answer the phone. Because I know that it is ringing. And ringing.
You see, today is the BIG DAY that we have all been waiting for, wary of, warned about, warned about again and … finally, it became too big, too much for the American people to take in on such short notice, so it was postponed by our benevolent president, until finally, TODAY, it has come to pass.It is The Day That Analog Died.
But let’s look at it as a positive, people – I want you to stick your head around the corner of your cubicle and shout, “HAPPY DIGITAL DAY!” Oh, the celebrations that must be planned for tonight! Thank goodness it’s a Friday.
Back to the receptionist, though. Imagine this phone call, at a frequency of about 20 times an hour:
Receptionist: Good morning, Channel 11.
Hick: Er, it ain’t no good mornin’ here to my house, lady. I reckon my TV is busted. You need to send someone over right away. I’m missin’ Maury Povich an’ today’s the day you find out who’s been boffin’ who.
Receptionist: Sir, we don’t need to talk dirty, now. You can find out that kind of stuff on Maury every day. We don’t fix TVs here – we just put the shows on the air. And I doubt that your TV is broken. Did you get a digital converter box? You know, the one that the American government provided for you?
Hick: What the hell you talkin’ about lady? Sendin’ TV shows through the air. You on meth or somethin’?
Receptionist: No, sir – haven’t you been reading the crawls that we’ve been running across the bottom of your TV screen for the last eight months?
Hick: What? Only crawl I seen said they’s a tornado comin’. I been under my beer pong – I mean, s’cuse me, my ping pong table for most of the gawl-damned year.
Receptionist: Sir? What’s your favorite book?
Hick: M’am, I don’t mean no offense, but ain’t you a little too high to be at work right now?
Receptionist: Can you read, sir?
Hick: Er, naw, I ain’t much on readin’.
Receptionist: Huh. Really. Well, those crawls on the TV weren’t weather alerts, they were to inform you that you needed to get a special box to make your TV work after today.
Hick: Why? What’s today? I knowed it. As soon as my TV done stop workin’ them freakin’ North KO-reans sent up one of them big ones, didn’t they? I’m havin’ trouble breathin’ already.
Receptionist: No, sir, there’s been no attack. This was planned. Do you have rabbit ears?
Hick: Lady, you’re startin’ to scare me. Say, you didn’t buy your meth from anywhere near 123 Shady Lane, did you?
Receptionist: Sir, I AM NOT ON METH.
Hick: Hey, while I got you, did you know that on February 16, y’all switched off the Louisville basketball game and went to some shitty game from a foreign country – UCLA and someone? I mean, who gives a crap about what Russia’s doin’?
Can’t you just picture it? I mean, our government had to intervene, giving away coupons so no one could shout “TV discrimination,” AND they had to warn people for like 8 months. Two observations: One, if the government had mandated that anything except TV be changed/updated, no one would have paid any attention; and two, these same people who are unable to conceptualize the Great Digital Caper are the same ones who are given licenses to drive cars on our streets… a scary thought.
If anyone is gonna need wine tonight, it’s the TV station receptionist.