funnierwithwine

A humorous look at the little things in life

Great concert, hideous humanity! May 31, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — ashleyolsonrosen @ 10:37 pm

Recommended wine for today’s entry: A Fess Parker Syrah because I’m feeling very Kentucky-ish today, and we all know that Fess Parker portrayed Daniel Boone, who trekked through the Cumberland Gap and made Kentucky what it is today. OK, way too much beer made Kentucky what it was last night. Maybe the syrah will bring out a more genteel crowd.

Because I know that not all of you were able to attend Kenny Chesney’s Sun City Carnival Tour’s stop last night, I am going to share my photo album with you. Before I do, though, I want to emphasize that, regardless of how this experience presents itself, the concert was awesome.  It was the crowd, who made the infield at the Derby seem tame, that was a bit, well … scary.

FREEZE FRAME: ARM FAT SMACKDOWN. I’m turning from the counter where I stop for a beer on the way in. Lady throws arm up in some sort of a dance move (to music unheard by anyone but her); I see the lower half of her arm, moving in a pendulum motion, take a good backswing and loom nearer and nearer, until it hits my much-anticipated beer and 1/3 of it tumps it all over my shirt. A nice start.

FREEZE FRAME: DO I LOOK LIKE A CHAIR? Immediately after finding our seats, we see a woman lunging up the concrete steps, clinging to the guardrail bars and trying to shove her way into our row. Then a teenage girl takes her arm and points her to the row behind us. Teen leans over and says “I am SO sorry. I’m really sorry about my aunt.” At this point, we’re thinking, Geez, what are you apologizing for? She just had the wrong row. Well, I get the idea very soon thereafter as I feel the woman’s butt sit squarely on the back of my head. No kidding. She is sitting on my head. The next 1/3 of my beer spills upon impact.

FREEZE FRAME: ERVIN-THE-POOL-BOY FROM FLORIDA. On our way to the parking lot at Papa Johns Cardinal Stadium, we’re stuck behind a black pickup that is  jacked up so high that we can see the Hyundai in front of it. It is plastered with scenic views of sparkling clean pools. Ervin’s Pool Service, the logo says, and Ervin, whom we deduce is from Florida (because that’s what his license plate says) literally stops and chats up every pedestrian passerby in downtown Louisville. This is seemingly friendly, but we ‘re already nearly three hours late to the concert. We stop short of honking at him, though, and it’s a good thing: In a 50,000-seat stadium, Ervin is seated two rows in front of us. He’s in his mid-50s, wearing a neon yellow sleeveless shirt and sporting a super dark tan of the tropics. His blue jean shorts fit him very snugly through his privates and are rolled up quite short at the bottom. So not a pretty sight. And he is still wearing his wrap-around shades at 11 p.m.

FREEZE FRAME: FAME – KENTUCKY STYLE. Former Kentucky and NBA basketball player Scott Padgett is seated about five rows in front of us; every tanked old chick in the place goes and grabs him for a photo. He’s a trouper – smiling every time, until …

FREEZE FRAME: MUUMUU LADY BEARING PLASTIC FLAMINGO. This is the worst yet: a woman in a muumuu comes up the aisle, bespeckled and either amazingly drunk or just amazingly obnoxious, and flails about a plastic pink flamingo on which she’s written snippets of lyrics to Kenny Chesney’s songs. As the night wears on, this charming lady uses her flamingo to stick into unsuspecting people’s crotches and fannies. Starting with Scott Padgett, who is just trying to enjoy the concert. He takes it good-naturedly, but moves shortly thereafter.

FREEZE FRAME: HERE SHE COMES AGAIN. Yep. Lady from the row behind us, luckily down a few seats now (well, lucky for us, at least). Apparently standing to begin what I’m assuming is another beer run, she catapults forward in a nosedive into the the guy in the brand-new John Deere T-shirt sitting next to my husband. A minor fight ensues.

 I’ll close my photo album here. We did sit in traffic in the parking lot for an hour where we saw more fun sights: a leathery skinned chick in second-skin jeans working her way through a series of pre-practiced poses designed to be, let’s say, chest-enhancing; a woman who ate, never stopping chewing, for a solid 53 minutes; five adults dancing in a kiddie pool in the back of a pickup truck … I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

I think I’m safe in surmising that a good time was had by all.

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One Response to “Great concert, hideous humanity!”

  1. New Member Says:

    Well, the fact that you went to this concert is starting to complete my picture of you. See my comments on another of your posts, but I’m surprised that you did not feel at home with this crowd! It sounds like it is right up your alley.


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