Recommended wine for today’s entry: A fizzy and hydrating Chablis spritzer. Take an inexpensive Chablis (bet you haven’t had one since they went out of fashion some years ago, have you?), add a splash of club soda and treat yourself to a lime wedge AND a lemon wedge. It’ll be the perfect pick-me-up after slaving over your house all day.
Today I’m going to share with all you stay-at-home wives a few of my cleaning tips that will make your husband react with glee when he walks through the door of his castle in the evening. Much like Ozzie. (The one of Ozzie and Harriet fame, of course – not Ozzie Osbourne, because no one has been able to understand him for about ten years now, since his brain was fried like the proverbial egg on drugs.) Anyway, your husband will know how hard you’ve worked and offer to take you out to dinner if you just follow a few easy steps.
After he leaves in the morning, go back to bed until at least eleven. Then take a shower and meet friends for lunch. When you get back, pour Comet cleanser into any toilet your husband might use. Don’t worry about the others. Close the lid. Watch Fox News so that you can get into heated arguments with your liberal friends later. About an hour before he gets home, spray the rotting fruit in the basket on the counter with apple-scented Renuzit. Then put the dirty dishes on the floor and let the dogs lick them. NO, I’m not gonna say to put them in the cabinet … gross. Now they can go in the dishwasher.
Call your husband to inquire about his day and ask him to pick up some club soda on his way home. Make sure you tell him to call you from the corner grocery in case you need anything else. This is important for establishing an ETA. (And also to provide you with the bubbles for your spritzer.) While you’re waiting for him to call, blow all the cat hair off the counters. Don’t worry about the floor unless your husband is prone to passing out. He won’t notice. Kitchen cleaned. Check.
OK, here’s where the timing becomes important. As soon as he calls from the corner, add your lemon and lime to his shopping list, then fill the coffee pot with water, swirl it around and pour it on the floor in front of the door. Coffee pot cleaned, faded hardwoods rejuvenated with a little burst of color. Bam! Now swipe the water around a little bit with a sponge, but not too much – you want it to still be damp when he arrives.
Grab an empty bucket, take your sponge and make your way to the bedroom, spraying lemon Pledge into the air at intervals as you go. This is important, as it is a well-known fact that the smell of lemon Pledge equals clean in a man’s head. Once in the bedroom, pull the top cover up on the bed, scoot the cat off his pillow and flip the pillow over. Now put on a pair of those yellow rubber gloves that make your palms sweat like a 13-year-old boy on a movie date and mess up your hair.
Your husband should be coming through the door just about now. Hurry from the bedroom – don’t forget the bucket – and rush toward him, a bit haggard, and call out, “Oh, careful – the floor may still be wet!” As he tiptoes in his socks across the coffee-watered floor, make a big show of flushing the Comet-treated toilets and stripping the gloves off. Load the Pledge, Renuzit, Comet and gloves into your bucket for the next time you want to go out to dinner.
Fall a bit hard into a chair, pushing your tousled hair out of your eyes. At this point, if he doesn’t offer to make you your wine spritzer, he’s a crappy husband and doesn’t deserve all your hard work. But I’m betting you’ll be sipping a cool one on the deck.